In the middle of it…

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”~ Psalms 127:3

1.31.12

The other night I had a dream that my older sister and I were still in our twenties and got into a heated argument and my mom interjected and took her side even thought she was wrong. I instantly felt an overwhelming wave of panic mixed with hurt, a dash of anger, a pinch of betrayal and resentment and the feeling was way too familiar. It was as if I was suspended in time and part of some practical joke. This simply could not be happening to me again. I woke up feeling great sadness and crying. Although I was fully awake the sadness stuck and I couldn’t shake it, or the tears. It hurt me to the core. I realized at that moment that I felt as if my mom loved my sister more than she loved me. In fact I grew up feeling that although it’s not and never was true. I could not shake the feeling. There is no hurt greater than loving someone soooooo much and they simply love someone else more.

I’m a middle child…that pretty much sums up my feelings of “lostness”. I was too old to be babied and too young for everything else which pretty much meant first come first serve..well at least most of the time. I was the meat in a sister sandwich, the top bread was a teenager and the bottom a spoiled brat. In my eyes being the middle kid was the worst card in the deck.

Although life had given me a raw deal I was pretty popular in school (most of middle school and high school). By the time I was in the seventh grade I had developed wit and smarts. Home life was unbearable (as in the eyes of almost every teenager) I went through my rebellious stage. I liked to be alone so I used that time to get to know me. I read, a lot. I made plans for the future and it helped me escape. In the meantime, every moment I had my mom to myself I tried to learn everything from her all I wanted to do was be cool with her.

Every kid has their own story to tell, from their own point of view, even if the siblings beg to differ it’s how they viewed their life. I grew up with strong morals. If I hadn’t, I probably would have acted out with alcohol and sex…sooner than I actually did..well the drugs part at least.

I acted out in different ways. Hoping I could get yelled at and somebody would notice I existed too, because being good and getting good grades wasn’t working for me. So I shut down. I stopped speaking in my house for what seemed like forever, I went through a very dark phase and wanted to be lost I dreamt of running away..far away and they would be sorry.

Until I turned 17. My mom and I started to connect. I was getting to know her and she was getting to know me, I started seeing my life in a new light. As I got older, got married had children it became a lot clearer and I understood the dynamics of birth order and I understood how it was the way it was.

I learned to embrace me. I am awesome regardless of the order in which I was born to my parents. I have great people skills and make for a fantastic mediator.  It even affected my professional life. I have a knack for providing rationale when situations become awry and excellent in client relations and customer service in my employment.

In most situations I can calm people down, the more irate they become the calmer I remain. I help people see things in other perspectives. I enjoy working with the public and I love trying new things. I am very flexible, adaptable. I like change and get excited about it–I trust that things will work out in the end, so even if  I have panic attacks all the way there I’d rather die than not try it.  I choose to confront my fears rather than being ruled by them. I am convinced that being the middle kid has something to do with it. My incredible survival skills..lol..my incredibly thick skin and nonchalant, “never let em’ see you sweat” attitude is a result of my birth order. Anytime I was asked to do something or if I could do something I didn’t hesitate to say that I could, even if I’ve never done it before, because I know I’m smart and capable enough to do things that scare me. Pretty cool huh?

My advice if any to other “middles” is: hang in there kid! Get to know YOU. Your birth order is out of your control and you were destined to be AWESOME no matter what place you take in the sibling line-up. Embrace your strengths and work on your areas of development. You are going to shine no matter what, don’t sell your self short or downplay yourself just because you aren’t the oldest or the youngest. Your position is as important as your siblings. Lastly, cut your parents some slack it’s not easy being a parent and none of us come with manuals or instructions.

Love yourself, ALWAYS, the rest will follow.

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