My pastor talks about this alot in church and when he does I would always shake my head, or roll my eyes or take a deep breath and even sometimes feel a little sense of anxiety. There are a few people in my life that have made it quite difficult for me to love on them like I would any other loved one. I mean I love them but, their ways make it really hard. I found myself harboring feelings of resentment and anger towards them and since I am not a hypocrite or two-face by nature I found it very difficult to contain how I felt when I was around them. I was behaving in a way that made me feel awful afterwards and it was starting to physically ail me. Something had to be done. I no longer had a handle on things and needed spiritual guidance. Notice how I went through all that first before I submitted myself…smh..the story of my life..I’m working on it folks.
I thought back to all the times I heard my pastor speak on this subject and even found some of the notes I had kept during service looking for answers. I read my Bible and prayed. I’m not a prayerful person (I’m working on that too). I pray on purpose, if I’m asked, for the ill, for everyone, for a purpose but not just because, not as often as I should…get it. So that was a big deal for me and I asked God what was the best way to handle this. I was hurt and angry. I needed to stop feeling that way and feel free. I needed to be free from those feelings so I could love them, even if from a distance but be at peace at the same time.
I was torn because I didn’t want to make it worse by stepping back and cause myself more spiritual harm than good. It was a process…like emotional rehab…a detox if you will. Anyone who’s had an addiction knows that once you make the decision to quit your addiction you lose the popular vote and you are often left alone or feeling lonely. I’m not interested in the popular vote I am interested in living without bitterness and toxicity renting space on my brain.
I spoke to my heavenly Papa and spilled my heart to Him. I told him about my hurt and how I felt and asked Him to help me resolve this…and He did.
I was emotionally bankrupt, in fruitless one – sided relationships with people that I loved dearly. I learned to accept it and stepped back. I needed time to heal so I could move forward so when in a situation where we would be in the same room or place I could be ok. I asked Papa to help me with the words I needed to express myself and I asked for conformity and wisdom. BTW..don’t think this is an easy process because it’s not. I am talking about “breaking up” with people I love very much. People that have been a part of significant events in my life and I have memories with people that are very close to me but have hurt me deeply and that I need to let go of and put distance between us…it hurt me to the core to come to grips with the fact that it had to be this way for me to be free and at the same time free them.
It wasn’t easy but I did it. At first it was hard and I prayed and asked for direction and to make good decisions. I can safely say that I in fact am at peace. I like to think that my Papa has a sense of humor and so when He places me in certain situations I have no choice but to make light of it and I know that it’s for His glory.
I was recently put to the test and I have to say it was ok. I remained at peace, no ill feelings, no anger or resentment…it was ok. All I could say was PRAISE GOD! (and dab a little “Eau de Jesus” behind each ear)
He remains faithful even when I’m not. Asking Him for guidance and to open my heart and let it all go and to trust Him was the best decision for me. I know that if I had continued to take it upon myself to try and work it out it would have been worse. Thank you Papa for showing me how to love the unlovables in my life. I have learned alot about myself in all this and all the glory be to my Father!