“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:18 NKJV).
The above mentioned verse states that woman is comparable to man, showing that in a relationship, both men and women are of equal value in God’s eyes. Since the beginning of time women were intended by God to keep man company, to be his partner so that we may walk through life together. It’s biblical. We are meant to be together. That’s the easy part. For some of us it’s the “together” part that becomes a challenge.
This Hot Topic! came to life as the result of an interesting conversation I had with my sister over the weekend and we both agreed it would be good for discussion. This topic is about relating to one another and dealing with rejection. How we feel and react when our needs aren’t met. How we go from the coolest chick ever to a five alarm “clinger”. Where does the relationship go south and is it something within us that makes us act this way as a result of that. What triggers insecurity and stalkerish tendencies?
So here’s my take on it, and, this is just me bringing my view across. I am happily married with children, but I was single first and kissed many a frog before my prince (I might have acted like a frog a time or two, myself…lol), that being said…let’s move on…
Here’s an example many of us I KNOW can relate to:
We meet a guy, nice guy, different from other guys, we vibe, we kick it, it’s going smoothly. The “status” conversation comes up and boundaries are popping up. He says “You’re cool and I really like you but, I’m not looking for anything serious right now. Let’s see where things go.” We think “what?!!! I’ve made plans and I’ve already invested…” and our hearts skip a beat…now for the rest of the date we are thinking of how we are going show him how FAB we are and how we are going change his mind. That man will be ours no matter what he says.
Now things between you are changing, slowing down. Phone calls aren’t as deep or frequent, emails and texts are one wordy and scarce and you start worrying. Insecurity starts to set in. Is it me? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? Is he with someone else?
You start calling him every time he comes to mind he doesn’t answer, you invite him out and he declines, you want to do nice things for him and let him know you’re there and he rejects you, ignores and ultimately avoids you. Some men are so turned off by this that they are mean and hurtful.
Sound familiar? Let’s be honest how many of us have done this? Are still doing this? While our intentions are good and we don’t mean to be stalkers or clingers, we just want that guy to know how wonderful we are and what a difference we can make in their lives.
STOP. Think about that for a second. If you could, for a little while, put yourself in that person’s shoes you might be able to understand why this is a problem, how it’s unhealthy for all parties involved and how we put ourselves through unnecessary and uncalled for heartache.
Let’s start by being honest. The flags were all there and if you recall correctly the boundary was clearly set early on.
Next be responsible. Know that you made a conscious decision to engage and were a willing party. There is nothing wrong with liking who you like and giving of yourself but, you cannot blame someone else for your actions or participation when the sitch goes awry.
Then be respectful. Respect the other party’s wishes. How you feel is irrelevant to the decision for space or distance. Your opposition is not a factor in the equation and it should be respected. Think about how you would feel if you didn’t want to be with someone and they insisted that you stay. That would be law official worthy right? So it goes both ways. It is inevitable you will be turned down at various points in your life. You may get rejected when applying for a job, or asking your boss for a pay raise. It is not a nice experience to have, but it is possible to handle rejection without you becoming unglued. A lot of rejection is not the actual rejection, but how you handle it.
Don’t take it personally. There are times in our lives when we are rejected simply because it’s not the right time. Don’t second guess yourself and start thinking that you’re no good or that no one likes you. It may just be a question of timing! Sometimes we come into contact with someone at an awkward time or season in their lives and the timing is just wrong no matter how wonderful you are.
Think positively. It can be hard to think positively when you have been rejected, but try to flip the script so to speak. Sometimes, getting rejected is a blessing in disguise. It may provide you with the space for something bigger that is about to happen!
Listen to the rejection carefully. It is important to pay attention to the reason for the rejection. When you speak less and listen more things become clearer.
Be kind to yourself. Being rejected is a disappointment to say the least. It can be very frustrating to put yourself out there and then, be told “no.” So, be kind to yourself after getting rejected in some way. Engage in positive self – talk and encourage yourself for the future. Do not go over the deep end drowning your sorrows in food, alcohol, cigarettes or overspending. I have seen people reject the most beautiful, thoughtful and fantastic partners, so don’t start feeling down, you will, at this time, be your worst critic – not the best time to review your attributes or characteristics!
Be confident! You ROCK, you’re a woman! KNOW that people will like you just as you are and make yourself the best “you” that you can be. Engage in hobbies and activities that you like. Laugh and sparkle! People will respond in amazing ways and you will get to experience less rejection!
There are six billion people on this earth. We are all beautiful, unique and different. It’s feast or famine. Sometimes we’re in and sometimes we’re out. Here’s a reality check, EVERYBODY gets rejected. So get over your victim mentality and move on!
Lastly, word to the wise, detach yourself from the “rejector”. Completely and totally. If you have become friendly with family or friends accept where their loyalty will lay. No matter how “cool” you think they are with you…they are part of the “rejector’s” circle and will continue being such after you are long gone. Avoid uncomfortable and awkward situations, if you are extended invites to functions or whatever politely decline. I promise you it’s not going to end well. Understand that you need distance to heal and move on effectively. Please believe this!
I brought the topic to some of my closest gal pals and what they had to say may help some of you reading this right now.
Nilsa: Cool chick turns into a clinger…. In my opinion a woman becomes a clinger when she loses track of herself and consumes all of her time on her man. Some women read too much into a man and start assuming things and become insecure with themselves. Sometimes we tend to bring our old baggage into a new relationship and pass on our old insecurities into the new relationship. It’s not fair to the new guy. If there is no trust to begin with I personally don’t think it will ever work. The minute he wants a guy’s night some women’s minds start to roll and it snowballs into a big mess. A mess that was created by assumptions. I believe each couple needs to find a balance in their relationship. A time for friends, family, dating and of course time to be alone.
Tenisha: Great topic. My personal opinion and experience is that we often become comfortable in a situation and we have no idea how it would be without that person because there may be fears that we can’t do it alone or that no one will accept us with all of our issues or flaws so we accept that person with all their issues and flaws excusing their behaviors and venting unnecessarily about them when in fact we have the power and ability to change the situation if we “really” wanted to. Being in a relationship with a person that you depend on or that depends on you to much whether it be attention or financially can take away from what you are willing to do for yourself. I think it is very important for both parties to have a healthy life outside of their relationship in order to have a healthy life together.
Jackie: Did you know that there is a chemical in the brain that is released in women and makes them needy and clingy after having sex? Google it. Hence the need to spoon or cuddle after or sometimes crying after a climax. I am a firm believer in the power a woman has. It’s so strong that we can become our own worst enemies and destroy ourselves. Look at Eve, she led man into damnation. She did because she was able to persuade her man. She just wanted him to share with her. She told him to eat the fruit and he did because she was told it was good. But that’s our weakness always listening to something that sounds good. God told her the truth and the serpent charmed her with a better idea…a woman is never satisfied. They get in trouble looking for more…she puts herself in a pickle and then wonders how she got there. Eve dragged her man with her, then he blamed her for falling. He told God the woman you gave me told me to eat. Generational curse from Adam and Eve. Men and women bicker that same way today. People don’t see things in that light all the time. A woman can be the rise or the fall of a man. We don’t give ourselves enough credit. I think women have an inner strength and beauty like no other. And believe it or not a man admires a woman’s strength. They go for easy because they can. But inside they want a woman that’s going to take control but still let them be a man. Women fold under pressure quick. Self –esteem is so essential. If that’s rocky everything begins to crumble. Being honest with yourself is also important. Embracing your limitations and accepting you cannot complete a task that you took on that wasn’t meant for you to do. Bettering yourself. Reading. Education. Embracing your struggles and looking at things in a different light. Thinking outside the box. Dressing different. All this things are important it makes a woman who she is. No one wants to take that time, because the process takes time. You have to invest thought and motivation and no one has that desire anymore. People walk around lifeless dragging themselves from place to place. People look thrown together and down talk the ones that take time to look fixed up because they’re hating.
Monet: I think the major problem with relationships today is that women have stopped being the woman. We have been forced to be both the “man” and “woman” so much that when we find a man who wants to take care of our needs we have a hard time switching back to the female role because we have played both for so long. A woman has to be the woman and let the man be the man. That does not mean we should not *know* how to do things a man can like change a flat tire or mow the lawn. But, if you have a man let him do those things. He wants to. That said, there is nothing wrong with women doing the majority of the household chores if the man does the handy work around the house as long as there is a balance and both contribute. I think a woman goes from being a cool chick to a clinger when she assumes that she and a man are exclusive, acts like they are and tells people they are even though neither one of them has agreed to exclusivity. I think because we’re afraid of rejection or a man saying something we don’t want to hear we don’t address exclusivity and often hold in things that we should express. Ultimately that only hurts us.
Megan: At this age, I have learned that my role in any relationship is and will always be to be myself! I am the only one responsible for My own happiness, so I know not to ever make that my partner’s responsibility…now, if he chooses to do it anyway, then hey, even better! lol…I honestly feel that a healthy relationship is one where the communion is mutual, unconditional, and most importantly, neither tries to change the other. We get into relationships sometimes thinking it’s our job to change the other person, make them a “better” person or what have you…BIG MISTAKE!! That’s not what a loving, healthy productive relationship is about. So having said all that, again, My role in my romantic relationship is to be myself, give of myself as much as I choose, not the amount “expected” of me, my role is to always have my head on straight enough to know that my partner is not responsible for my happiness, rather, to be happy with my partner is my own choice. My role is to love unconditionally and when a relationship is unhealthy for me physically or emotionally or even mentally, my role is to roll my ass out of that situation!! LOL
Arelis: If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can’t afford to be with them. It’s not worth the price, even though, just like the Tiffany catalog, no one tells you what the price is. You set it yourself, and if you’re lucky, it’s reasonable. You have a sense of when you’re about to go bankrupt. Your own sense of self-worth …takes the wheel and says, “Enough with this stuff. Stop making excuses. No one’s that busy at work. No one’s allergic to whipped cream. There are too cell phones in Sweden.” But most people don’t get lucky. They get human. They get crushes. This means you irrationally mortgage what little logic you own to pay for this one thing. This relationship is an impulse buy, and you’ll figure out if it’s worth it later.
So there it is!
What’s your view on this subject? Let us know what you think!
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Until next time!