Are we becoming a mother to our mates?
My life can be pretty hectic with work, kids, husband and daily challenges. Sometimes I find it hard to make somewhat smooth transitions from one mode to another. I’ll explain. On some days I can go from “Robomom” to “businesswoman” to “wife” and back to “Robomom” in the blink of an eye and whatever else in between 20 times through the course of one day, it’s exhausting and going in and out like that isn’t an easy task. Sometimes the last hat you wore is still on your head when you’re trying to put another one on and so forth, so naturally there will be times that my “modes” will blend…so to speak.
As women, it is in our nature to be mothers, nurturers. I have found that in households predominantly run by women, the females being raised in said household are at a disadvantage, here’s why (and I am sooooo guilty of this).
We are so accustomed to seeing our moms, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, cousins, etc. handling their business, alone, or on their own, most of the time or very frequently, that it seems as though it’s in our DNA to be the same way. Once we have children it’s only kicked up to 1000+.
When you are accustomed to living your life in control of almost every aspect of it, it is extremely hard to delegate or to give up some responsibility when we find mates and get into relationships or at the very least, ask for help when needed. Letting go and allowing someone else to take charge of a task seems so foreign and scary that you get anxious and feel they aren’t capable and rather just do it yourself. We are so independent and have set mind frames that to share this minor task with your mate would mean depending on someone else and it frightens us. Insecurity is serious business!
Here is the damage we cause in doing this:
- We are showing our partner that they are not equals
- We are demonstrating a lack of trust and commitment
- We are demeaning them
Sounds harsh? It can be. Imagine how we would feel if our partner didn’t think we were capable of remembering to lock a door or turn off an iron when we leave? Or pay a bill on time? We would feel inadequate and get all “oh no he didn’t!” on him…lol…you know we would!
Have you ever told your children to do something over and over again to the point that it seems as though there was an anti-listening device secretly implanted in them at birth? Have you done it to your mate? See a pattern? No, it’s not because they are cut from the same cloth! It’s because you lose your audience due to repetition. Actions have to follow words and we must always remain, calm (or at least reasonable) and poised when conveying our messages of annoyance. If nagging and being a crazed psycho doesn’t work on the kids it certainly won’t work on your mate!
It’s easier said than done, I know this all too well but it can be done. Find what works. What will grab his attention (positively of course, we can get quite creatively in making a point to our mates..lol) Remember that no grown person wants to be told what to do ALL the time.
The aforementioned is only one aspect of mothering our mates, here is another.
As I mentioned earlier, we are born nurturers. We want what’s best for our families so we go above and above to ensure that. With that being said, we often times find ourselves extending our motherly nature and favors to our and more so when in a not so healthy relationship.
This does not happen to weak women, it has happened to some of the best of us! It can happen to anyone. We meet someone and connect and then red flags start popping up and we ignore them. Things start to go south and we stay in the relationship. We give chances where none should be. We listen to lies and empty promises. We start to doubt ourselves as partners and as women and become insecure and instant victims. We start justifying their actions and condoning their behavior by trying to be nice to them and “understand” we start changing things about ourselves because we feel we are to blame. Then it’s too late in the game to leave or kick him out because we are scared of change.
STOP! STOP! STOP! We are not their mothers! We as women need to stop mothering our mates! We cannot not extend the same type of love to our mates that we would to our children or even our families….there is a world of a difference. Don’t misunderstand me, not to say we put conditions on the love we have for our mates by no means, it’s different…period.
We have to start being women to our mates. Companions, partners…mates…equals. They have already been raised, they have mothers. Word to the wise: if you have to raise your mate…send them back home to mama and let her finish her job! Watch her send them back…lol. We are equipped for endurance hence why we face our challenges with grace and dignity (most of the time at least..lol)…hence why we are the ones that give birth…mates are in our lives to accompany us and help us carryout life plans, dreams…to share and co-habitate…to help build and create…to compliment each other…to fit together.
No it’s not a fairy tale…it’s real. I’m not talking about a perfect relationship, I’m talking about relating…to each other…not mothering, nagging or suffocating.
I’ve been with my husband for 11 years. He is younger than I am by almost 8 years (yup, I’m a cougar..lol), it was very difficult at first to relate to him…he was young and immature. We got pregnant shortly after we started dating and things were hectic for a while thereafter. I felt he didn’t move fast enough for me, I was used to doing it on my own and wouldn’t delegate for fear he couldn’t do it to my satisfaction and he of course got real laidback. I started to become the mother of a 20-something year old man on top of my two young children…and so the resentment began. It took years of trying before something worked and now I can totally count on him (I still have control of a lot..I can’t help it) and our communication is better than it has ever been.
Let’s remember that our mates are just that and just be in love with them and leave the mother love for our children.
This topic is totally up for discussion and I would love to get your feedback! Feel free to comment, share your experiences or just let me know what you think! I love hearing feedback and interacting with you!